So here’s thing I been blogging and playing with ideas of what to blog. Some of my blog’s has been related to my life, some just my own opinion. But I have written and rewritten this piece of blog many times and backed it up, deleted and blocked it out. And here’s the thing I been on a search or a quest of finding a life partner and to my own mistakes I have not accomplished my mission purely due to the fact that I ask myself who is the real Ray…..to the few who read my blog they know my real name but to many in cyber space I am know as Ray….
Ray the nickname was bestowed upon me by an ex-boyfriend. One day long after we broke up I asked him why Ray, it’s so far off from my real name and to my humble surprise this was his answer. I name you ray because you are a ray of everything. A ray of light, a ray of hope , a ray of unselfish love, a ray of hidden laughter , a ray of darkness , a ray of fear , a ray of loyalty and most of all a ray of so many rare qualities…. I must admit I was humbled and also a bit pissed off as he never told me these things in the two years of dating.
But here’s the thing I have always lived my life in pleasing others, putting others first despite how I may have felt. I sacrificed a lot to make others happy and lost myself many times. My brothers call me the glue to the clan as I am the feisty baby sister to seven siblings always trying to keep everyone together putting my own happiness and wishes aside to make sure they okay.
And in turn I have made mistakes where my own heart was concerned. I was asked this question the other day “if I was over my divorce “as I seem to do this PI investigation thing on people I meet. My response I am over my divorce yes. I have been over it for some years. Don’t get me wrong my fears are not because of my ex-husband , his been an awesome friend over the years , even if at times I still yell at him for some of the stupid things he does. But what I admire about him is how he respects my opinion and his never scared to ask me advice on something. If you do ask me why I do have these fears and insecurities well, the answer will be an ex but not my ex-husband. You see after many years of building up high walls and blocking people out and pushing people away and myself. I meet a guy lets name him SP..
SP was the one whom I was going to settle down with for life and build a future so crazy and beautiful that my happiness showed every day when I smiled ( which for the first time in a long time I smiled everryyydaayyyy) . Those who were part of my inner circle saw the happiness I dwelled in and understood how blessed I felt. SP was someone unlike any other, he accepted me with my chronic illness , my dry sense of humor , my crazy love of art and music, my flaws but most importantly he saw what I hid away from everyone and only he knew those parts of me. I think what made me more crazy to drop my walls was the fact that he saw me as an ordinary person who didn’t want his riches but just his time, honesty and love. He would always tell me that I should work towards Jannah as that is where he wants us to be.
Up until one day my entire world came crashing down on me all due to an email, no correction two emails and one phone call. Yes for months my world was SP and his daughter now I was awakened by an ugly truth he was married and also still involved with his ex-wife. Shocker alert!!!!! No one knew that day what was going through my mind besides my cousin. For days I kept on asking myself what was reality and what wasn’t till I asked him the truth. Well he gave me his version of the story I took it, as that was who Ray was the understanding one. Until he went AWOL and then I did my investigations and digging and I was faced with the ultimate truth SP was lying to me from day one and still was. SP made a comeback of course, our relationship wasn’t the same until one day he left again. No reason no explanation. I was accused of lairs of which I didn’t know of. This made me mad as hell as I opened my entire world to this man and he lied to me from the start, I couldn’t equate how angry I was and how after everything we had been through he walked away again and without looking back.
You may ask yourself so what’s the point of this, of me explaining all these things. Well here’s the reason why Ray has her guard up and her high walls because my trust and my fears had been hurt again. People believe in order to love you must trust without any doubt, and embrace the fears and also let the fears go. But how does someone like Ray let those things go. I was in a relationship with someone where I was told for two years that I am worth nothing. Then I was in a relationship for a year where in the end someone a became stranger. So to me I think Ray is the healer. The one who heals the broken by mending their pieces and breaking mine further. To me Ray is someone who sees the good in everything and wants to be more than she believes. SP once told “me you too nice and you think that the entire world should be nice. You cannot make everyone nice and you cannot make everyone have the same qualities you have”. Well my response was you can’t find a good person, be a good person. And that’s who Ray is a good person who only wants true love. To feel that my fears are no longer an aspect and that I can be vulnerable yet safe with someone who will take me to Jannah. Do I miss SP, of course I do every day despite his flaws and despite the hurt he was someone who believed in me.
Will I meet someone again I don’t know that’s left to a higher power. But would I trust again and not question everything, not close up every time someone asks me something personal or just merely wants to speak to me. Heck I even close up when someone tries to hug me and I know its weird for people to understand that my walls are so high up that I cannot even allow someone to touch me. I learnt to deal with my emotions in different ways and learnt that not everything deserves a reaction out of me. Well it’s a work in progress. As I can look in the mirror now and love the Ray that I have become and I believe that despite the years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse I have grown stronger and braver. It’s not easy to love but it’s easy to love others and that’s what I prefer. Raising a daughter on my own has been a tough challenge but what motivates me to continue is solely based on what she tells me. She tells me I love you mommy because you remind me of Wonder Woman you not scared of anything and you strong. Believe me from a seven year old that means a lot mainly because I want her to not be like me , to not have my fears or my insecurities but have the confidence and strength that I teach her. ……..So be you embrace who you are but most of all love like there’s no end to it. And yes as I always tell my friends may we all meet in Jannah , hopefully I will meet my soulmate there as I am sure SP , and his ex ‘s all have theirs already hahahahh.. Sending you light, and loads of Rays of love….