I remember the first time it happened.

I feel the blood throobing in my head the sound of it beating . My ears shut close, my jaw popping out. I feel the shaking of my body and I loose all control. I see my body laying there shaking and shaking…. I remember the first time it happened I was only evelen years old. Trying to hide from the hitting and the shouting and all the chaose in my house. I still see that eleven year old girl laying there shaking, screaming on the inside for help but no help came..

It went away for a few years and then surfaced every now and then when I faced grief and emotions I could not control.

The doctors called it seizures, my body’s way of dealing with shit. My parents called it a nervous breakdown. I called it horrible. For years I battled with it until one day it surfaced again. This time I was older I could say it’s happening. What did my partner at the time do he looked at me and said I don’t care. The emotional and verbal munipulation had taken its toll on me. It was eating away at me… What did the doctor say it was a seizure it will happen again and again and again…

Face your fears they said I tried. Face your demons they said I cried.

I fell in love with SP and when he hurt me where it hurt the most. I found myself numb and hours later shaking, my head about to burst. The tears flowing through my core. As I lay and shake and shake I hear the throobing of the blood in my viens beating so loudly I want to scream. But I am screaming no one can hear me my jaw popped out and I am in pain.

The numbness I can deal with, the pain I feel during the days to come I can deal with that. But the shaking is what gets to me the worst of all. The sense of no control, the pain of wanting to be normal.

I blamed my parents for this illness for many years. Even when the doctor told me the seizures had caused brain scaring I blamed them. But now as I lay who is there to blame but me. I allowed pain, grief, sorrow and love to hurt me. And I allowed the seizures to take control over me.

I hide the shaking away every day, the pain in my joints, the lack of memory and the blurry vision from everyone. The anxiety of it all makes me shake even more. And I lay and listen to the throobing of my blood through my head. And I cry for the one that caused me this pain but he doesn’t even know. And I pray…. I pray for the shaking to stop, the body to stop. I will myself to move up. But I am paralysied by the shaking…

I fought this battle for years and I each time I feel as if I loose a little more of myself with each attack.

Is it a crime to want to feel normal. Is it a crime to just not want to shake anymore. To not be scared of the deafening sound of your blood and the uncontrollable shaking…..

I remember the first time it happened, I remember each time it happened. I just feel that some where in this world I can find peace and not be shackled by this sickness…

I lay and listen to the blood throobing and I feel my body shaking. I close my eyes and I hope that I don’t feel it again. That I am taken to place where I feel no numbness and pain. I lay and listen to the blood with heart broken and tears flowing. I lay and listen….

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