Don’t you think its funny that once you hit 30 and over. You pretty much think you have the world figured out. And that life should be a combination of coffee and honey glazed buns on a sunny morning. Yeah right..its all been a myth that society and social media made you believe that once you hit 30 you will have it all figured out. ..
Here I am sitting waiting on the next cookie to crumble and some life altering decision to make. With anxiety of note because I freaking hate Monday’s and have to deal with narcissist on a next level. Sorry I should probably rephrase that it’s looking forward to fun filled week of over dosing of coffee and being yelled at from every direction possible and having a telephone ring in your ear so much that your brain literally feels as if its going to burst out screaming some heavy metal mixed with rap. Wow just typing that made me realise shit do I hate my job that much.
why did we commute back and forth from school doing everything possible to become so great at living only to realise that fudge we just wingin it…and ten years down the line you married two kids and a cat. And you still in this rat race of survival. Survival of just making it through the day,the week,the flipping year. Only for it to start all over again. Jeez I find myself looking at my kids and whispering tomorrow I will to be better than today. The guilt of seeing them asleep as I rush out the door in darkness to head into a darkness of negative vibes. I wait and count the seconds to go home. But once you get home your mind , body and soul is to tired that the follicles of your hair is literally screaming of tired. Is this the life our parents wished for us. Damnnnn I know my mother wished me a life of struggle and I face it every day. But that’s a story for another day. Here I am right now asking the question of when will I know I am making it in life.
When will the mom guilt of having to work come to an end. When will the wife guilt come to end, when you get home to tired to speak to your partner. When will the guilt end of not having made it some where of content in life. Why didn’t we come with manuals and some sort of lessons in school that shit I am not going to be able to figure everything out. And that I am going to suck at pretty much alot in life. But we trooper onwards and pray for the best.
I often wonder if destiny is a real thing and that I am not telling my kids some lie about life is going to knock you down but you going to have to roll with the punches and deal with some pretty messed up shit. When back at the ranch I am shaking in boots each time my kids cry or life hits me with a curve ball and I have to be a grown up and figure things out. When I don’t even know where to start. I am sure life wasn’t meant to be this kind of special up side down. That you to scared to face the world and tell your husband that you hate your job but you really can’t quit because come on what are we going to do how are we going to pay every single bill and put bread on the table without electricity to keep the lights on or the water going on. How do you tell your kids everything is going to okay without letting that lump in your throat out.
You know what we do we carry on and we keep wishing that some where along the road of life we going to have it all figured out and chill on our decks and laugh about all the crazy times we thought we weren’t going to make it. And bamn we will be 65 and telling some 30 year old that’s just what life is all about. So yeah maybe I don’t have it all figured out ,maybe I suck at seeing the bigger picture but darn I wish this cycle of my life has concluded and I can chill without the regret and guilt that I am just trying to survive for the sake of kids.. Thinking out loud now I wonder what our fore fathers thought of the crazy things that life handed them. But being stuck here on this rock of life I have to keep watching that horizon and keep wishing that next time my phone rings its not kids crying because they miss me. Or my boss going off at me for something that some body else did. And my husband doesn’t feel like his loss his wife along the path of life. Because shit gets hard and life is wonky and dirty and messy and every possible crazy. And one day when all the noise and crazy makes sense you will know you have it all figured out. So let me sit on my rock a little while and dust off my boots in a bit because there’s a secret to life I need to figure out……
mizunderstood 